Touch and Its Significance in Relationships
10/22/24
These are my slightly edited notes from a sweetheart banquet talk that I gave several years ago. It will be good for your marriage, and it may be the most important article you read on marriage this year…
Compliments and touches should be the norm in a love relationship. Think of gentle touch as a cherished accolade. Touch, along with endearing words, make for a better way to communicate love.
Much of Song of Solomon could be words in an anniversary card or on a thousand sticky notes left for your love to find around the house on Valentine’s Day. It’s like a big compliment where kind, loving, and even seductive words are fired back and forth at each other.
We don’t know exactly who the couple in Song Of Solomon was, but we do know it is a couple who likes to complement one another. It’s interesting to note that at times they also misunderstood each other.
So, we should be striving for affection and not always for perfection!
Husbands, are you good at this? Be quick to say “Dinner was terrific” or tell her “Wow, you look good in that dress!”
Wives, how are you doing? Are you thanking him for providing or helping with tasks around the house?
Studying this book (Song Of Solomon) reminds us to do a better job of telling your spouse how amazing he/she is. As a spouse, you are in a prime position to give each other the adoration you each deserve. In fact, you might give the only compliment your spouse hears all day.
Let’s honor our beloved spouses by showering them with compliments. It’s the best way to touch the “heart of hearts” deep within a person's soul. It also shows care and love in an important way, even if it is less tangible than touch. And a compliment definitely increases the joy and pleasure of that touch!
As couples, we should talk about physical touch. Are you OK with that? Will you be embarrassed? I hope not.
I feel a bit like a minister preaching about a much-needed subject. I feel called to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable in this matter of touch. I want you and your spouse to talk about touch in your relationship. You may feel I am over-emphasizing touch, but I don’t apologize for addressing something that is this important to a marriage.
First, I want every couple holding hands or touching in some way as they read through this article and the one that follows. I mean two-way touch, and my apologies if 25 minutes of touching will stress you out.
My assumption is that you enjoy touching each other, but if not, I beg you and plead with you to listen to me carefully: Do not sabotage the happiness you can have together by refusing to learn how to love better!
Trust me - touch will do wonders for your relationship, even if it might take some time. So, give it time. And be patient with yourself and your spouse while you work to make it right or “righter.”
Secondly, check yourself a little. I am pretty sure you looked forward to expressing love by holding hands before you were married, right? If that desire is no longer present, what happened? Words are wonderful and encouraging, especially words of endearment to a spouse, but at some point you need to follow up your words with touch.
If you only compliment your spouse but never follow it up with touch, then you are defrauding your spouse. And defrauding is cruel.
Now, I have a few questions.
Do you really enjoy touching each other?
Which one of you enjoys it the most?
Which one of you is the person that would see yourself as the “Keeper of the Flame” in your marriage? The one who lights the candles, plans the dates, is the first to hug, or first to say “I love you”? Or - forgive me - if you are a woman and your man is constantly pursuing you sexually, think about seeing sex as a privilege and something for both of you. Avoid seeing sex as a duty or only a way to satisfy him. Let me remind you, sexual intimacy is a powerful tool and provides connection and strong bonding. That means touching is the prerequisite for good and satisfying sex.
Do you really truly want to improve your marriage and make it better?
How badly do you want a better relationship?
The following article, with a little editing for readability and clarity, was taken directly from the online Blog “Hot, Holy and Humorous” It is used with permission.
There are at least 6 kinds of touch every marriage needs.
Roman’s comment: Each one flows into and makes the next better and more meaningful.
Many spouses long to be touched by their beloved more or in a different way. Maybe you’re among those couples for whom physical affection fell off after being married or during the newlywed years. Or maybe touch has never been your relationship’s strong point. Let’s get back on track. Or on track for the first time! Here are six kinds of touch every marriage should have and/or encourage.
Familiar touch
She nudges her husband with her elbow to get his attention before speaking.
He reaches over and wipes a smudge from her cheek.
She taps her husband’s shoulder and points out something interesting.
All of these are touches you wouldn’t do with a stranger but would do with a family member or friend. You’re in relationship with such people, so there’s an amount of casual touching that’s not only allowed but expected. There’s no particular emotional message being sent; other than the underlying familiarity you have with one another.
When a marriage is in trouble, even casual touches like these can disappear. If you’re nervous to touch your spouse in a familiar way, then you need to do some work on your relationship and perhaps even see a counselor.
Caretaking touch
He gives her a foot rub.
She massages his sore shoulders.
He palms her forehead to check for fever.
Sometimes we need each other to help care for us in some way. It could be small gestures like those mention here or bigger ones, particular in times of health crises or other adversity. For instance, my husband did a lot of caretaking for me when I was on pregnancy bed rest.
Such is our calling as we pledge ourselves to one another “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.” One of the many advantages of marriage is having a companion to care for you when needed.
Hopefully, this is done out of love more than obligation, out of commitment more than duty. That’s not to say we’ll always enjoy the caretaking moment, but we engage in that physical touch because we are connected to and support one another. “No, I don’t want to tweeze that hair coming out of your ear, but I will. And that says “True Love as much as anything.”
Reassuring Touch
She starts to cry, and he pulls her into a bear hug
When he announces he’s lost his job, she reaches over and squeezes his hand.
She asks if he still thinks she’s beautiful, and he cradles her chin in his hands and smiles down at her lovingly.
Disappointment, doubt, grief, frustration, anger—any number of negative emotions can hit us at various times, and the reassuring touch of our spouse can settle our hearts and heads. We may still feel bad, but we at least don’t feel alone.
When we need that reassurance and don’t get it, we can feel even more lonely. Not only are we facing difficulty, we should have support but don’t. Oftentimes, it takes great calm and courage for a spouse to provide that needed reassuring touch when their mate is in the midst of negative emotion. Even seeing our spouse in pain can be stressful to us, or we worry about getting caught up in the storm, but we can be our spouse’s buoy or even anchor in that storm.
Physical touch can reassure us of the presence, the concern, and the love of our mate.
All of the three touches above—familiar, caretaking, and reassuring—could also be provided by a family member or friend. Next, we have three touches specific to your marriage relationship.
Romantic Touch
He slips his hand into hers as they walk toward the store.
She cuddles next to him on the couch.
He pulls her close as they slow-dance to the music.
Romantic touches signify “we are a couple.” They display and nurture intimacy, without being necessarily sexual.
Romantic touches might include some kinds of kisses, like a peck or a soft kiss, and go beyond familiar to personal and private. This is the kind of affection that if you showed another, you’d be crossing a line. But with your spouse, it’s special, endearing, and reinforcing what it means to be “one flesh” (see Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7-9).
If you haven’t had much of this in your marriage, spend a lot of time here!
Some marriage counselors have found that requiring couples to hold hands during therapy or to/from the office helps spouses rekindle interest, and research has shown that a 20-second hug produces oxytocin, the bonding chemical or “love hormone” that helps us feel connected with another. If you’re out of practice, it may feel rote to touch one another romantically at first, but you’ll eventually move from awkward to amorous.
Sensual Touch
He plants a long, lingering kiss at the nape of her neck.
She palms his chest and slowly moves her hand down his torso until it rests right above his “happy place.”
They close in and passionately kiss for several seconds, minutes, or who-knows-how-long—because time disappears.
Will sex happen? Maybe, maybe not. But sensuality is definitely happening. And whether or not sex comes next, this kind of touch is stuff that can give you wonderful feelings about yourself, your spouse, your marriage, and life in general.
Ideally, sensual touch doesn’t lead to full on intimacy every time. Rather, it’s enjoyed for its own sake, as a show of intimacy, desire, and passion. Moreover, it sets the overall tone of your marriage so that when sex does happen, it’s even more pleasurable and satisfying.
Hint to the gents out there: A lot of wives tell me they’d like more sensual touch without the expectation of sex immediately following. As frustrating as that may seem at first, investing in this kind of touch could lead to more sexual interest and confidence from your wife, meaning ultimately more and better sex. But don’t just do it to get more sex. Do it because it’s awesome.
Do it slowly and prolong the experience.
Erotic Touch
He lowers his mouth to her breast…
She unzips his pants and touches him…
He touches searchingly between her legs and…
Yeah, all of those end with ellipses (…) because erotic touches are the physical affection that happens behind closed doors or in the privacy of your own space. Yes, they’re sexual, but not merely sexual. They are intended to create arousal, excitement, desire, and passion.
If the erotic touches in your marriage don’t stir something inside you, then you may need to change something up. Perhaps it’s due to trauma from your background, or a misunderstanding of sexuality, or physical or relational issues, or needing to improve technique (see 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex). But whatever it is, you should address it so that eroticism can be present in your marriage bed. Such touches should feel good. Erotic touches should also take time. They are leading somewhere, but they feel good on their own too. Make sure to draw them out and savor the sensations.
Summing Up Touch
If you need it after that last section, go grab a cold shower. I’ll wait. ~wink~
Okay, now that you’re back, let’s sum up the six touches every marriage needs.
Familiar – Caregiving --Reassuring—Romantic—Sensual--Erotic
Now ask yourself which, if any, your marriage needs more of? For those in less satisfying marriages sexually, don’t skip right to erotic; rather think through how all of these touches create an atmosphere of security that allows for the vulnerability needed for sexual intimacy. And if you’re having great sex already, you might have neglected caregiving or romantic affection and need to work on those areas.
Take a look at the list, maybe discuss it with your beloved, and consider what kind of physical touch you can and should expand in your marriage. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me.
Excerpted from Hot, Holy and Humorous By J Parker and used with permission
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